This year, I became a mommy. We adopted 3 year old twins from foster care. My twins are beautiful blue-eyed masterpieces who make me laugh every day.
However, this mommy thing is really hard. I’ve never felt more guilt on a daily basis or have been more in need of coffee EVER. It’s weighty and that’s really the understatement of the century. It gives me such new perspective in every area of my life. “God help me” seems to be the prayer I utter most days.
Somehow I thought motherhood would reveal more grace in me but, instead, it’s revealed judgement and condemnation and a lot of otherwise shameful characteristics. You know the ones. The ones that we try desperately to hide in the secret recesses of our brains and our hearts but, that our children spotlight when they become mirrors by which we look into our own souls.
I keep waiting for the day when I wake up and it’s all kind of settled and all the things I thought would be, are. You know all those mommy fantasies. The perfect, orderly house, the always clean kids that are well fed with five course meals, the laughter, which is the only sound that fills the air all the day long. Not to say we don’t laugh with pure joy or dance in the middle of the afternoon or have a million little miracles of wonder every day. We have that too but, I struggle not to allow the weight of motherhood to overshadow the beauty of the miracles.
I set really high expectations for myself. After all, I am a mom. I’m shaping young minds and hearts and trying to do it all in line with God’s will. And there. You can see it. The guilt in falling short. And this is when I’m grateful for GRACE.
As my journey into motherhood progresses, I’m learning what it is to enter grace through humility and vulnerability. “Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.” Romans 5:2. I stand in grace through my faith in Jesus. Even when I don’t really feel that grace exists, I KNOW that it does. And I can rest in what I know. It’s there in the glimmer of their blue eyes, in the innocence of their smiles. It’s found in the sweet words “you’re a great mommy”, “Sit beside me mommy”, “tell me a story”, “I love you mama”. His grace exists in every vulnerable minute of their lives. And in every vulnerable minute of my life. It’s just as that old song says, Jesus Loves Me. He loves me so He shows me my weakness and in my weakness He is strong. He is my strength and I rejoice in the Hope of the Glory of God.
~ Trisha Bowman
Christ Fellowship member